Restlessness

I am restless. Ron and I talked about it on our ride to work this morning. There is no reason in particular, but I just don’t feel like anything I do matters, I guess. And that’s not meant to be a “poor me” statement, it’s an introspective, “what am I personally doing toward change?” statement.

So anyway, we talked about it, and I threw out the “120 months 1 week and 5 days until I can retire,” comment. But then what? I feel like there’s a change coming and I’m restless for it, so I want to be doing something to get it here faster. After dropping him off, as I’ve been doing semi regularly, I started listening to 1 Samuel, today started with chapter 13. And, because our God is like that, it was just what I needed to hear.

1 Samuel 13:8-14 reads “8 He waited seven days, the time appointed by Samuel. But Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and the people were scattering from him. 9 So Saul said, “Bring the burnt offering here to me, and the peace offerings.” And he offered the burnt offering. 10 As soon as he had finished offering the burnt offering, behold, Samuel came. And Saul went out to meet him and greet him. 11 Samuel said, “What have you done?” And Saul said, “When I saw that the people were scattering from me, and that you did not come within the days appointed, and that the Philistines had mustered at Michmash, 12 I said, ‘Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the favor of the LORD.’ So I forced myself, and offered the burnt offering.” 13 And Samuel said to Saul, “You have done foolishly. You have not kept the command of the LORD your God, with which he commanded you. For then the LORD would have established your kingdom over Israel forever. 14 But now your kingdom shall not continue. The LORD has sought out a man after his own heart, and the LORD has commanded him to be prince over his people, because you have not kept what the LORD commanded you.”

Did you see that? Did you see where Saul got restless and a little bit afraid, so he decided it would be better to “force” himself on the Lord instead of wait upon the Lord. For Saul, this decision cost him the kingdom. Isn’t it just like me to rush things and try to do things my own way, in my timing, instead of waiting for Him and his timing? Jeremiah 29:11, everyone knows this one, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…” Why isn’t this enough for me? Why do I feel restless even when I know I am walking in His will? And that He knows the end result and I can trust in that? And sometimes, believe it or not, I am disobedient when He requires something of me that I don’t feel like doing or giving, yet I still expect Him to move, and in my timing, please.

Thank you Lord for your reminder this morning. Teach me to wait. Teach me to be obedient even when I can’t see the end result, when I am afraid, or when I am just plain tired of waiting. I know your plans are bigger than anything I could ask or imagine, because Your word tells me so. Remind me of this when I need reminding. May I never force my offering to you out of restlessness, but instead may I find peace in the waiting. Amen

May you, too, find peace in your waiting.

My Mom

4 years ago tonight this was written. This is where my heads been lately so I thought I'd dig it back up.  I miss having a mom. My mom. 

My mom died tonight. I was at church hosting a game night with many of my favorite people there. Not the ending we had planned. It was totally unexpected as everything always was with my mom. I think my sisters and I thought that someday one of her illnesses would be terminal or she’d fall and hit her head one last time. We never imagined that she’d eat dinner, dose off and never wake up again. I have no parents now. That feels very weird to me and seems to be the hardest thing for me to accept. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose both parents at the same time.

My mother and I have not been close for years, but she was still my mother. And when she wasn’t in an argumentative mood I typically enjoyed my visits with her. She always accepted my shortcomings and never reprimanded me for letting her down when I missed a visit or a phone call. Yet, I was often irritated with her. Ron kept saying “you’ll be sorry” and I am so thankful for that reminder that she was my mom and that she loved me unconditionally and that I really did love her and needed to show it more often. So tonight I feel numb. I’ve never planned this scenario out in my mind. I was prepared for when my dad died, he had been sick, we wanted his pain to end and for him to go home and be with Jesus. My mom was different. My sisters and I had talked in the past about funeral arrangements, but tonight none of those decisions made sense. Tonight we felt different and all want the chance to give her the respect a mother deserves. Liz came and stayed until we left the nursing home, Emma’s coming home for the week and Adam is trying to get here. I never expected them to do any of that. But again, what should I expect? I want my children here and I pray that home will always be a place that they want to come to. I don’t know where my mom is tonight but I truly hope it’s with Jesus. I am resting in the knowledge that God knew her heart, even if her mind was confused. It’s funny but my mom and I have argued politics for years, but just a couple of weeks ago she shared her admonition of gay marriage and I was able for the first time to tell her the reason I vote the way I do, was economy and war opinions aside, that I could never, in good conscience, vote for someone who supported gay marriage or abortion. And you know what? She said she didn’t know that, and she nodded. Did she finally get it? Did she disagree with me all these years based on ignorance alone?

So that’s that. This week I will play a grown up and plan a funeral and be one of four daughters who lost their mom. And for that I will grieve and I will cry and I will have some regrets, but I will try to learn from them. And then my children will return home and I will go back to work and we will all go on with our lives with bittersweet memories filling the places where aggravations once were and we’ll all be ok because we have each other and we have many good memories which God allows to always out weigh any bad ones… I love you mom. I hope you knew that.

Food Perspective

It started with a conversation with my husband about dinner the night before and how we ate too much, but the food was so good. I mentioned that it was too bad food wasn’t like manna, something we would eat to survive, but not necessarily something we enjoyed. If it didn’t look so good, or taste so good, we wouldn’t over eat. So that got me thinking….

“When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes”…Gen 3:6a

The first sin had to do with good looking food! They had it perfect in the garden and still threw it all away by the temptation of a delight. Yes, I realize more than calories were at stake here, but let’s be real, if it hadn’t been “a delight to the eyes” there’s a better chance that Satan might have had to rework his plan.

So where does that leave us? Or at least me, since this is MY blog and all about me ;) It made me see the sin in overeating. This morning I was able to say no to my regular morning apple fritter. Tomorrow has worries of its own, but for today I will pass up what is “a delight to the eyes” and perhaps even to the lips, and make better choices. Remembering ultimately, that my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit and I should be caring for it as such.

Now to get through Paczki Day…

Excuses

“He said to him, ‘Do you wish to get well?” ~ John 5:7b (nasb)

I’m sure the man who had been lying, unable to walk, for years, didn’t give much thought to the actual question. Of course he wanted to get well! But he couldn’t get into the pool fast enough to be first and be the one to receive the healing. So, instead of answering “Of course!” he explained why he wasn’t well. Ever find yourself doing that? Making excuses. Yes, Lord I want to know you more, but what with my schedule and all, I just can’t seem to fit another thing (insert bible reading, prayer, teaching, helping others, etc.) into my schedule! Or, Lord, I know I haven’t acted very Christian like over this (whatever your “this” is), but did you see what the other person has done to me? Or, Jesus, I want my marriage to work, and yes I said “until death do us part” but he/she isn’t satisfying my needs, or won’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

Excuses, we all make them. Do we want to be well? Sure we do, but…

Let’s stop the excuses and start answering “Of course!” to Gods invitation to draw closer to Him. I’m sure that, as the man who couldn’t leave his pallet before meeting Jesus was amazed, we will be as well.

My Journey Through John

Over the summer we, as a church, are taking a journey through the gospel of John. I thought I'd get back to blogging by sharing some of my thoughts as I read through.

“How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and you do not seek the glory that is from the one and only God?” ~ John 5:44(nasb)

If I receive nothing in return for doing good, as far as here on earth, would I still be willing to do it? My personality craves acceptance and I am happiest when I am able to make others happy, but what if I didn’t receive acceptance or gratitude? Would I still feel whole and complete and loved and content? If it were only me and God, what then? I, of course, will answer yes to all of my questions, but have I ever really been tested in this area? At a certain point in my marriage, my husband spoke the words, “Don’t look to me for your happiness!” which, while they stung at the time, have had such an impact on me and my walk with God. Although my husband makes me incredibly happy, I must admit this was not always the case. At least until I stopped looking to him for it. Unfortunately, I sometimes still get hung up on what he’s not doing for me, instead of focusing on all the good he adds to my life.

Isn’t that the way we can be with God? “Lord, you know I really wanted that job?” Or “God, if I could just pass this test, or buy this car, or get this raise.” What will all of this get us, a closer walk with God? Statistically the opposite is true. It is when we are in the pit of despair that we cling to Him with all that we have and we grow closer in a way we wouldn’t have known without the trip into the pit.

My challenge is to keep seeking Him, with everything I have, in all ways, in all days. I must be willing to walk away from the main stream and live a life acceptable and pleasing to God. Even when I may not see the blessing, or the glory, to know that it’s not earthly acceptance I’m looking for, but His acceptance and His alone.

January Goals

Ok, it’s the start of a new year and I’m not really a resolution maker, but I have decided to get on the bandwagon with Keri, Emma and Jenny and start posting monthly goals.
I’ve thought about it for a while but just haven’t actually done it. I think the reason is two fold. First, I apparently conceptualize my goals but never really make anything concrete. So when I go to list something on a blog, I don’t really have anything to list, just a bunch of ideas rolling around in my head (FYI – I had the same problem with college essays :P). Second, I’m afraid that listing what I want to do, shows what I don’t do, and as a result I might fall off my pedestal. Keeping in mind I am probably the only one who has myelf up there, but still, this one is probably the biggest reason why I SHOULD post goals, therefore I am.
So, here you have the January goals of a crazy woman. I’ve categorized them, in an effort to appear well balanced and organized ;)

Ministry
1. Gather data on all of the couples who we have personally worked with, mostly the pre-marrieds. We would like to put this in a database of sorts to keep track of wedding dates/ anniversaries, births, etc. Right now it’s on random sheets of paper and lacking information.
2. Work on a coffee mug design for Mr. & Mrs. (What better wedding gift could there be from the Mr & Mrs directors?)
3. Get the For Women Only study going. (This goal is for this week more than this month!)

Work
1. Work through the pile of file rebuilds on my desk. This one only makes sense to me, but it’s a big one because I’m tired of looking at the pile. I’m breaking this down into completing one each day and think that will have them compete by month end.

Home
1. Clean our master bath (including scrubbing down the shower) every week. I’ve been pretty good about it since we redid the bathroom, but no one ever sees the master bath so it’s usually the 1st place I neglect.
2. Vacuum my bedroom every week. (Yeah, I need this as a goal…)
3. At least once (maybe a little each week) super clean our bedroom (this includes dusting). I have been trying to have a haven, or heavenly as Jenny calls it, bedroom, so that it’s a pleasant place to retreat to when I need quiet and a place I enjoy walking into at he end of the day.

Personal
1. Complete weeks 1-3 in the Couch to 5k (C25k) program. This weekend I registered for the Detroit Free Press half marathon on Oct. 21, realizing I need to train to get off the couch before I can actually train for a half marathon…
2. Register for my passport. The marathon is an international marathon (we run into Canada) so I need a passport for it and would prefer to not wait until the last minute.

Spiritual
1. Complete at least 10 days of Beth Moore’s study on Jesus. I hear He was a pretty cool guy ;) I bought the book at Thanksgiving and was really excited about it but still haven’t started it.
2. Read through 1 Christian book completely. I have a terrible habit of either getting too distracted to read at all, or starting something, reading a few chapters and then never picking it up again. I have a pile on the side of my bed in this category.

Ok, wow, this should be interesting…

What if...

…we loved everyone and judged no one?

…we continually gave thanks to God for the sacrifice of putting His son on the cross for our chance to live with Him in eternity?

…the only thing we prayed for was for His glory to be shown in every area of our life?

…the only time we asked God for something specific was when, like Joshua, we had direct instructions from God and we required His intervention to fulfill those instructions?

…everyday we laid our life down to Him, to be used the way He desires us to be used, therefore completely dying to our selfish ambitions?

My pondering for the day...