4 years ago tonight this was written. This is where my heads been lately so I thought I'd dig it back up. I miss having a mom. My mom.
My mom died tonight. I was at church hosting a game night with many of my favorite people there. Not the ending we had planned. It was totally unexpected as everything always was with my mom. I think my sisters and I thought that someday one of her illnesses would be terminal or she’d fall and hit her head one last time. We never imagined that she’d eat dinner, dose off and never wake up again. I have no parents now. That feels very weird to me and seems to be the hardest thing for me to accept. I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose both parents at the same time.
My mother and I have not been close for years, but she was still my mother. And when she wasn’t in an argumentative mood I typically enjoyed my visits with her. She always accepted my shortcomings and never reprimanded me for letting her down when I missed a visit or a phone call. Yet, I was often irritated with her. Ron kept saying “you’ll be sorry” and I am so thankful for that reminder that she was my mom and that she loved me unconditionally and that I really did love her and needed to show it more often.
So tonight I feel numb. I’ve never planned this scenario out in my mind. I was prepared for when my dad died, he had been sick, we wanted his pain to end and for him to go home and be with Jesus. My mom was different. My sisters and I had talked in the past about funeral arrangements, but tonight none of those decisions made sense. Tonight we felt different and all want the chance to give her the respect a mother deserves. Liz came and stayed until we left the nursing home, Emma’s coming home for the week and Adam is trying to get here. I never expected them to do any of that. But again, what should I expect? I want my children here and I pray that home will always be a place that they want to come to.
I don’t know where my mom is tonight but I truly hope it’s with Jesus. I am resting in the knowledge that God knew her heart, even if her mind was confused. It’s funny but my mom and I have argued politics for years, but just a couple of weeks ago she shared her admonition of gay marriage and I was able for the first time to tell her the reason I vote the way I do, was economy and war opinions aside, that I could never, in good conscience, vote for someone who supported gay marriage or abortion. And you know what? She said she didn’t know that, and she nodded. Did she finally get it? Did she disagree with me all these years based on ignorance alone?
So that’s that. This week I will play a grown up and plan a funeral and be one of four daughters who lost their mom. And for that I will grieve and I will cry and I will have some regrets, but I will try to learn from them. And then my children will return home and I will go back to work and we will all go on with our lives with bittersweet memories filling the places where aggravations once were and we’ll all be ok because we have each other and we have many good memories which God allows to always out weigh any bad ones…
I love you mom. I hope you knew that.
When it all falls apart
5 days ago